Social media is - as many things are - both a gift, and a curse.
Being locked down in my home for almost two years gave me a lot of clarity on both the beauty and the beast of it. When the first UK lockdown happened, I had already been shielding in my home for a couple of weeks, due to being high-risk and immuno-compromised, and having social media, things like Facebook Messenger for video-calls, and Instagram for DMs, was definitely a help for me to be able to keep in contact with friends & family. It helped me feel less alone, less stuck at home, especially when the first lockdown finished and other members of my family went back to work, but I did not due to furlough & shielding. Even now, two years into the pandemic & back to work, most of my time is still spent at home, so social media, for me, has become almost a neccessity at this point.
I've always been very much a supporter for social media, I use it every single day, and have an account for almost every kind, especially the main four - Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and more recently, TikTok. Like most people, the first thing I do when I wake up is check my phone notifications, and catch up on anything I've missed. Most of my news information comes from Twitters "for you" trending page, which I find easier to digest than watching the actual news. On Instagram, I have built friendships & communities, and a platform to share things I enjoy passionately & unapologetically.
But with all those amazing things, it can also bring a lot of loneliness, pretence & masking our lives & feelings. It's so easy to post a positive post, a photo of myself smiling, and loving life, when in reality, at that time I could be feeling an anxious, depressive mess. People always post about how its important to be yourself, to be "authentic", how its "okay to not be okay" on social media, and how we should "check on our friends often" but how many of us actually do that? like really do that?
Yes, everything I post is the truth, but have I posted a delayed positive post (that was true at the time of taking that picture) when I'm feeling like absolute rubbish? 100%.
When the pandemic started, I used social media as a coping mechanism, I threw myself into it, to give myself a sense of community & care, especially on Instagram, as a way to keep in touch with people, I used it as a way to avoid the negativity surrounding the pandemic, which honestly, absolutely terrified me, and some days, still does. I needed something to keep my mind focused, engaged, and I needed that dopamine hit now more than ever before. I pushed myself heavily into editing & creating posts, mostly about Harry Potter, but also about other topics I enjoyed, like Disney, Marvel & even talking about my disability and spreading awareness. I joined TikTok & started re-gaining my love for singing & dancing, and even had a post of me singing go viral, to this day I still get so many hits on that. And I loved it, for months and months I got such fun out of it, made some amazing friendships, and would spend hours of my day working on these posts.
Then the reality hit.
Tiktok
Tiktok decided to start suppressing my posts very quickly, especially the ones that mentioned disability, or had my wheelchair in view. It got to the point where I stopped seeing the point of posting because no-one was seeing them anyway. Not even the people actually following me, the ones who WANT to see them. Then the trolls appeared, I don't know whether its because people were getting extra bored in multiple lockdowns, or just that I was getting to the point where these people were finding me, and maybe even seeking me out. I was getting hurtful & harmful comments, not just on my videos, but even on comments that I had left on other peoples videos. it was constant. I would wake up to horrible comments telling me the most hurtful things, it got too much. I didn't even want to go on Tiktok anymore, a place that started so positive & so fun, became hell. I ended up taking a break from the app for 3 months, and I definitely needed it. I came back just to see if anything had changed, and one person who didn't even follow me, said they were worried about me as they hadn't seen me, and that was nice, that someone cared, someone noticed, and the atmosphere felt different, so I decided to come back on a temporary basis with some changes in place. That was over a year ago.
Looking back now, nothing actually changed. I put some boundaries in place for myself, I disabled notifications on my phone, I moved the app to a less noticeable place on my phone so I wasn't clicking it all the time (although truthfully - right now that is no longer working) and I decided for a while I wasn't going to read comments, on my videos or anyone else's. If I did feel the need to leave a comment on someones video, I'd be extremely cautious to write something that couldn't possibly cause a need to reply, or give a reaction, even though the reality is, I have never been someone to write anything generally 'controversial' anyway, I just didn't want to risk any negative attention. But, trolls are trolls, and sadly they will find anything to comment on, so doing this likely made no difference anyway. I tried posting again, but, as I expected, TikTok still suppresses my views, and just makes it pointless to post. I would post the same thing on Instagram Reels & get over 10 times the amount of views in 20 minutes, than TikTok would give me in a week. I still use Tiktok but mostly I just watch a few certain creators a day, because I enjoy their stories or content, almost to the equivalent of catching up on a tv show I guess. I would love to use it more, especially to create videos, but the motivation just isn't there anymore when the effort is more than the gain.
TikTok also has a huge bunch of flaws, you can't delete the app temporarily because it deletes any drafts you have saved, it lacks a lot of accessibility features, and its 'reporting' feature, just flat out doesn't work. I've reported so many hateful comments, videos and accounts & they come back 'not against guidelines', but then sadly I think this is true of most social media platforms, as this has also happened to me on Instagram & Facebook too. It's not good enough.
Instagram
I definitely use Instagram right now more than any other social media app, for posting at least. Pre-pandemic, I would love nothing more than posting about where I'm going, what I'm doing etc, because I thrive on events & experiences so this was the perfect outlet for that. But when the pandemic hit & I couldn't go anywhere, I needed to get creative. I started editing photos, sometimes multiple a day - nothing with body altering filters (that's a whole other conversation) - but silly creative ones, like myself hanging out at Hogwarts, or closet bounds for Disney characters, just something that took me away from what was happening in real life. And the result of that was finding a beautiful community of Harry Potter & Disney fans, a lot of whom became people I consider friends, even online family. But after a while it stopped being fun & became more of an obligation, and what I mean by that, is each of these types of photos would take me hours to edit, plus the time it took to take the photos, outfit changes, searching for props & editing items online. It became a chore & a rush to get it done, rather than doing it because I was enjoying it. Then there was that feeling of obligation to post everyday because everyone else was posting everyday, and if you weren't, you were just forgotten about.
And that became super clear to me when I stopped posting altogether for a while. not one person noticed. Even the people who posted things like 'check in on your quiet friends' or posts of the like. And I'm not gonna lie, I waited. I waited to see if those people who claimed they loved me noticed, and they didn't. And don't get it twisted, I don't blame them, this isn't aimed at anyone, I still adore all of them. We're all adults, we all get busy, and it's even harder if you have friends in multiple time zones, & my god I get that, and I am not the perfect friend either, not by a long shot, I just try to do my best like everyone else. It just sucks when out of all these people, not one notices. Especially when you see them sharing & posting other peoples stuff & you can't help but think "why not me? why are they all cared about but I'm not?" when the reality is that probably isn't the case at all, but its not always that easy to stop those thoughts. Invasive thoughts are the worst, & social media definitely aids them.
Theres many times I've considered posting & then just decided not to, because if it wasn't 'Harry Potter' related, it gets nothing. it might get one or two likes, but nothing like if it was one of those edited posts, and that bothers me, not because I need the likes, but because I am more than a 'niche'. I always said I would never become an account/person that solely posts about one thing - not that theres anything wrong with those accounts, I follow many accounts just like that, its just not the kind I want for myself, even though I know they do really well, but I wanted to remain completely about all of myself - the only other posts that seem to do well are posts about disability, which is fine, but with that becomes an attachment I don't want. I am so proud of my disability & who I am, but people define me by it more than I define myself, & start putting me into a box of 'inspirational' or 'educator' which I don't want to be. I don't want to be that disabled girl, I am so much more than that. Again, it comes back to being a 'niche' except with this, that niche translates into real life, and I can't escape that like you can with an app. I know I am restricted with being at home so much, so having less to post, but the reality is, why follow me if you don't accept & embrace the full extent of me? It also bothers me, because I know in reality, it shouldn't bother me. it shouldn't matter. But it does.
I still remember years ago, I was growing fast & constantly on twitter, I would get full on amazing conversations with people I've made lifelong friendships with, conversations with celebrities, and some pretty great opportunities. then one day, I don't remember exactly why, I decided to just stop using it. I think it was a similar situation to this, I was constantly on my phone & wanted to take a step back and focus on my real life, which was getting busier, and more 'adult life' was kicking in. And when I finally reinstalled it on my phone, I had lost 85% of my following, and its never recovered. It still bothers me & I have genuinely no idea why, especially as Twitter is one of the ones I now post on the least.
I guess its that idea of needing to be wanted, needing to be liked. We all like to suggest that we don't need likes, or follows. All the time I hear "post for yourself, not for others" or something of the like. And whilst yes, for some that may be true, & I've definitely said this myself, but lets be real for a moment. Social media exists for likes, for follows, for comments, for attention. We don't post for noone to see it. Whilst everyone talks about how important it is to not get "caught up" in the views or likes, thats exactly why these sites exist. If I didn't care that a photo wasn't viewed, I would just keep it on my phone, or hang it in my house. I wouldn't post it on social media. I share because I liked it & I want people to see it & to like it too. And its hard not to take it personal when a photo of myself, that I really liked, gets ignored. And this is where social media becomes dangerous, because you start doubting yourself. You can be the most confident person in the world & still get affected by this, because social media affects your mental health & your brain in a way that you cannot always control. I like to think I'm pretty self aware, and even on days where I know that my thoughts are wrong, I can't stop them happening and affecting me.
This is also why its so important for people to truly think about what they are posting, and saying to other people from behind the safety of their keyboard. There IS a person on the other end of that comment, reading it, & eventually if not careful, believing it.
So here's where I'm at:
Do I get rid of my social media? Do I just ditch it all & call it a day? lose the small amount of community and friends that I do have, lose all contact with them, but also lose the negativity that comes with this apps? because yes I have plenty of other things I could do, but I do enjoy using these apps sometimes, or else I wouldn't use them at all.
Do I keep the apps, and continue to feel this way, continue to struggle with these feelings sometimes, but keep the small sparks of joy I get from these apps.
Do I take yet another break, take that time away, only to come back & ultimately, very likely be in this same position a few months later?
I'm not looking for advice, or answers, the truth of the matter is, only I can really decide this, and I think I somehow need a balance of all of it, and to work on the way I handle it. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. Its so easy to just say "delete the apps", but we are in an age of technology & everything is online. Theres no way to fully avoid it short of "going off the grid" which just really isn't possible for most of us. It certainly isn't an option for me.
How do you feel about social media? it's often referred to as a love/hate relationship, which is probably a good way to sum it up, but I would love to hear some real first hand experiences & how you've handled, or not handled it (again, without advice to myself please) Let me know in the comments below!
Who Am I?
Ways To Support Me:
I was having a talk with my partner the other day of how a family member didn't use social media, so we have no idea what goes on in her life. We were asking ourselves the questions of... "what does she do all day?" "It's like she's invisible to world", there was a sense of freedom in that statement, but also a sense of loneliness. Most of our communities are online, what if for some reason we lost the ability to use the internet... It made me think that we need to begin building irl community, spend just as much time pouring into it as we do for our online communities. Your post has me thinking deeper on the topic~ Lots to sort out. Thank you for being honest and brave enough to share your feelings <3
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Thanks for your comment lovely! Its so true that technology & social media has become such a normal part of daily life for almost all of us, it almost feels alien when someone doesnt use it! My partner has Facebook but doesn't even use it & doesn't have anything else & I always thought that was strange but its actually probably quite freeing in a way. The internet has become so important now & I think most of us would struggle without it, especially with communication. Some people's home phones are even wifi based now! Im so happy to hear your thoughts & the affect my words have had. So appreciated! Thank you.
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